Uterus

Okay, so this is my first blog and God knows why I think I have anything to blog about but hey-they say write what you know, right? Well. I know my uterus. That's right. I said it. Wait-I take that back. I THOUGHT I knew my uterus but memory doesn't serve in this case. I forgot my uterus....it forgot me...No - it just stopped working.

I know you women know that 'monthly visitor' (i.e. one more way we got totally screwed over by God in addition to: bras, panty hose, high heels, makeup, chin hair (don't prented you don't have any...lemon juice has its purposes) shaving, PMS, affinity for chocolate and all things fattening, bloating, childbirth, breastfeeding, gravity, menopause, hot flashes, bikinis, and oh yes, outliving everyone else on the planet (where is my retirement fund?)...

Ok but back to the uterus...the period is not always like clockwork. And why would it be? But my uterus went on strike....for a while... and before you think, hey, that's cool, what's the big deal?...Consider....I felt like an 'it'. Maybe I do not want kids but the 'option' is nice. A girl has to have options...this is why I have a closet full of shoes.

Anywho, I decided that my busy lifestyle and trim figure needed to beef up a bit to get my hormones to line up again. Who knew you could eat peanutbutter and almonds and become a woman? BUT- this is not normal, people.
I know my uterus' sabatical was more than a month or so but did it have to come back with friends? What the hell happend? Did it 'outsource' and get donations from other places? Seriously. No one deserves to have to retire 3 pairs of Hanes undies (RIP). And by the way, was the tampon invented by a man? Come on! NO woman would create something that intrusive that serves basically no purpose and, might I just add, that I pray you never experience that twinge of a feeling when you think for one second, oh sh&t...I think my tampon just fell into my sock....yes...we can put space rockets on the moon but 2 inches of cotton that 'expands' is just too diificult.