Series of Moments

“Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.”

If you think about the fact that life is just a series of moments, it can depress the hell out of you. Why? Because most of those moments are not anything exciting and even more of them are painful. But then, every once in a while, you have a spec on the timeline of life- like God squeezes you and in that moment, you forget the previous thousands …you are in THIS one and it is good. No, it is great.

I think we all live life waiting and hoping for those moments…to bridge the gaps of the ho-hum and the sad infused. So what I want to do is remember. This is why I write. I can come back to these words. Because we all have a short-term or even selective memory. Funny how we readily recall the ‘wish I could forgets’.

I had an experience today where, for the first time in a long time, I felt that PING- that ‘God Squeeze’ and I KNEW I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing and that I was great at it. And now that the ever-present ho-hum moments have surfaced again, I hold onto today- to help me bridge the gaps and to know that my life does have purpose and the track I am on, no matter how many detours I take, is the RIGHT one. Isn’t that what we all really just want to know? That we are on the right track?

Today was an audition. You know- that feeling of- get your nerves together- bring YOU into a room with complete strangers- DO what they tell you to do and basically stand there naked (emotionally). The voices in my head taunt me… “ You know you are better than this, than what they see…Why can’t they ‘get’ me? Why can’t I just make them see?…Why can’t I live up to my potential in this moment? Ever?

I have done it a hundred times but today was the day. Today I was in my body, in my mind, in my voice, in my shoes, in all the talents that have been given to me and each crappy, hurtful, embarrassing moment I have had in the exact same situation on countless auditions before, got me here…prepared me for it. It was worth it.

Today I believe in my existence.
Better hold onto that feeling.

A Joy I Know Nothing About

There are a few things in life that bring us unending joy: people, Fridays, seeing your dog waiting for you when you come home from work, whatever. And then there are those things that bring us joy but we know nothing about them...how is this possible? How can something I know zilch about make me happy? It dawned on me. It is the journey- not one that frustrates the hell out of me because I just want to 'get there' - to the end of it...but when I realize that it is in the 'finding out' that excites me- when I see that the love of something propels me forward and I know that it is the learning, no matter how humbling or daunting, that is the reward and the impetus...

So what am I talking out? Okay, I admit, I wish I had some religious metaphor here or that I were speaking of some life- changing spiritual endeavor but I am talking about...wait for it...wine. Yep. Wine. I know, I know. But truly. How much do you know about wine? If you say a lot I say you don't drink it- ever. If you say you know 'nothing or not much about wine' I say one of 2 things...either you don't and you stick to your beer or bourbon OR you do drink wine, love it like I do and realize the more you try, read, taste, the LESS you know and the more you want to....that is good stuff, right? I mean for wine anyway- at least there is a payback- I am not talking about my insatiable urge to know everything about the world of accounting.

So if you appreciate the grape as I do and think that, were Jesus here, he would want to split a nice bottle of Pinot Noir over dinner, I have a little something for you...a website you should check out if you have not....his name is Gary Vaynerchuk. Dude is nuts (about wine). He is borderline certifiable but he is changing the wine world- making it fun and taking the stuffiness out with the cork. He has a video wine blog and 5 days a week close to 60,000 people tune in to watch him taste wines he has never tasted before- to watch him describe a wine as "shoe leather meets cherries covered in bacon fat." A man who trained his palate by eating everything he could long before he was of the legal drinking age and now, he can tell you, EXACTLY what the wine smells like and tastes like....if nothing else, he is highly entertaining and proves how far passion can take you.

You have your Robert Parker, Josh Reynolds,your Wine Spectator and Wine Enthusiast but now you have "The Thunder Show" and a web wine insane gent from New Jersey. Who knew?

My passion is wine. I know nothing about it and with each new one I try I know less. Just means I get to 'study' more. How awesome is that. Why would I rush a journey I never want to end?

Salud.

http://tv.winelibrary.com

For You Only

Was there ever one thing you always knew you were good at? One thing. And maybe you never told anyone because you thought if someone knew- they could take it away from you or make you do it so much that they would find fault with it - and steal it away. They would take your hope. Not that you ever had hope of using it. But it was one thing that was yours and no one else’s. Then one day you wake up, exhausted from searching for that one thing you are truly good at- your talent. And you realize that you have been circling- around what you have always known. But you have let it lie-your 'undiscovered' talent- dormant. And deep down, you know are still good at it- that no one could take it away. But still-you keep it under wraps. Because what if the world does embrace it and then it is not yours anymore- it is theirs and one more time you fall short. I can’t risk it. Some things are better just for me- no matter what- right?

Old Sweatshirt

I just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I am wearing an old college sweatshirt. Just the fact that I call it an ‘old’ college sweatshirt makes me sad inside. Am I that much older than I was when it was my college? Yes. I guess I am. So, do I even have the right to wear it anymore? I mean, am I the same person I was then? No. Not even close. I guess I never considered clothing to have an expiration date but if we should stop wearing things when we are no longer the person we were when we wore them the first time- I don’t know. Maybe I should. Funny how you can feel you don’t have the right anymore- even though it is you: you then and you now. And the changes that are so great in number and degree happened so slowly that you never saw them- as they happened. It takes passing by a mirror in a sweatshirt you used to wear, when you were someone completely different- to make you think about it.

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You think you would know- before. I mean, you think you would see it coming or feel it. But then you wake up one day and it’s there and it’s really apparent and it becomes all you think about. It walks with you into every room and you wonder how many people can see it. So you try to cover it up. You try to make other things stand out to take the focus away but it only makes it worse-like the more you try to conceal it, the angrier it gets. Is it as bad as you think it is? And then when you finally decide to do something about it and you put your hands on it and stand in front of the mirror for way too long examining it- knowing full well it is better to leave it ALONE- you just can’t. Because you think one more try will do it- because you think you still have control. But there it is- bigger and uglier than before. Maybe tomorrow when I wake up it will be gone. But it never is- not completely.