Sucks

Breaking Up- The Instruction Manual for the Pathetic

1-Learn to master the fetal position. If you wind up tightly enough, you can keep yourself warm. Sad.

2-Distract yourself- call EVERYONE you know, even people you don't necessarily like. Make plans. Drink heavily.

3-Step away from the computer. The temptation to send e-mails to your heart breaker is too powerful. Don't do it. No ma'am.

4-Stare at the wall and chant 'Nam-myoho-renge-kyo' till one of 2 things happens:

a) You become one with your inner self and feel a power and strength you did not know you possessed

or

b)you realize how incredibly stupid you sound and probably look, that this chanting stuff is bull and you start laughing hysterically.

5-Eat copious amounts of peanut butter (crunchy only- creamy is not efficacious for some reason).

6- CRY (best to apply the fetal position technique outlined in #1)

7-Moments you feel like you are going to fall apart, think of how hurt you are, let the hurt turn to anger- find a tennis racket and beat the hell out of your living room couch. Then call your therapist.

8-Watch 'Moonstruck' and tell yourself to 'snap out of it'

9-Listen to Enya...or gangsta rap- and do interpretive dance around your apartment. Yeah, I know, but it works.

10-Know that it will get better. It has to. You WILL be okay.

IKEA

I must be the last person on earth to experience this kind of humility- this kind of frustration: IKEA. I bet it is lovely- never been there myself, but it must be divine enough to persuade one to buy MANY pieces and take them home. Then the insanity ensues. I have never felt so stupid. You know they say your brain works in different ways? Math, Language- we all have our forte' but IKEA....I call it the company of the mute, plotless comic book (oh, I left out 'instructional')- it is an 'instructional' plotless comic book. Only one little dude that appears in a single drawing. The rest of the book is pictures of screws and holes and arrows pointing to things it knows you are not understanding because NO ONE CAN and let's not gloss over the fact that there is not one single word in the entire 'instruction' book. Not one. NO words. Why would we need words in an instruction manual? The Swedish apparently don't use them. We don't need them either. Let's have some meat balls.

And might I just say, my schlep to help my friend put her new pieces together was not all that successful. And the wine did not help our mental potency . It did, however, help the time pass with laughter.