Time to Schedule Boredom

It is strange- last night I was in a mood I am RARELY in. I wanted to go OUT and be BAD- like go to a seedy, smoke-filled bar and accost someone, make out against a wall, bathed in sweat with some nondescript rap music blaring in the background. I wanted to be 'out' of character. But nothing came to pass. I was soon visited by Mr. Lonely and Senor Depression. I awoke with them as well, though I will admit that my dreams of flying tell me my return to dance proves good for my soul. Luckily I have medicine I did not know I needed: a book I am reading called "Eat, Pray, Love". It makes me ponder in both lust and sadness the need to get away- to the core of me. I am not sure I can find her in a city that demands the masculine of me ALL the time- the strong- the 'do-er'. I think the feminine in me is deep; she has been starved for a long time - she could not reach the nutrients amidst a large, required and pervasive masculine arm crossed in front of her- like the seat belt of a car. I long for decadence and paths with no purpose and moments of truth rather than lists that I then check off --- 'done...next?" Is it true that I do not know how to do nothing? I have always strived upon structure and balance but the world gives me gifts of boredom-at least I view them as boredom. In actuality they are reprieves from the 'musts' and invitations to the 'needs'- even if what I need is to do nothing at all.